By Alma Gill
Used by my Outside Woman
I’m starting to feel used. When I go out with the woman I’m seeing, she never offers to pay. She orders drinks and appetizers and extras like there’s no tomorrow, and when the bill comes, it just lies there on the table like a dead rat until I reach over and pick it up. Never once has this woman so much as offered to split the cost of our excursions. All the while, she has plenty of cash for clothes, cars and travel. Since I’m married and this woman is not my wife, my friends say I should pay the restaurant tabs and be quiet – a small price, they say, for easy, mind-blowing sex. I simply can’t take it anymore, and it annoys me to no end. How do I tell this woman I’m not her sugar daddy?
Robert A., Reno, N.V.
Excusez-moi Robear! I was distracted by my head spinning and the slimy green liquid spewing from my mouth! What? Not her sugar daddy, you say. Then what you got to offer? This hollow effort to mix common sense with common behavior reminds me of a quote: “Some people feel the rain, while others just get wet.” You, my friend, spit and tell them it’s raining. Hold up while I grab an umbrella, ‘cause I’m not falling for it. So, you’re married and your sidepiece won’t fork over any quarters toward the meal, and you want to know how you should approach this subject. Really?
My advice is that you listen to your so-called friends, who should be telling you something else, but that’s another question for another Friday. Considering the cost of your infidelity, which could include the ending of your marriage, disloyalty to your wife, children and family and the loss of trust, honesty, commitment and integrity…well, let’s just stop here. When you add it all up, her meal is a minor inconvenience. Until you start paying her rent, I’m sure she feels entitled to a great meal. That’s the very least you can do. Not to mention the fact that a meal is about all you can commit to at this point.
Don’t flatter yourself; you’re not sugar daddy material. That’s why we’re having this conversation. Don’t misread her need to satisfy her hunger, Mr. Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damn town. She knows what she’s doing. What’s mind-blowing to you doesn’t sound like it’s all that mind-blowing to her. If your groove were that smooth, she wouldn’t be interested in eating that much before getting her party started. I’m just sayin’! We agree on one thing: I, too, see a rat in this scenario, but it ain’t laying on the table.
High School Flame
What do you do in a situation where you never got closure from a high school relationship and then that person finds you on Facebook 35 years later and wants to just talk about what went wrong to cause the separation? Both of you are married at this point in your lives, but one of you or both are not necessarily as happy as you would like to be, and you’re afraid that if the truth ever comes out, it could possibly break up a presumably happy home – one that the outside world thinks is so perfect. Should I even venture to put my hands in that cookie jar, because it may very well turn out to be similar to opening up a can of worms? Yikes! However, if I am not curious, then closure may never come.
Curious Schoolgirl Crush
Hey now, Curious, Slow your roll, put those pompoms and that yearbook back up in the attic. You ended it; you just don’t remember. A high school break up and a mid-life closure are two different things. Don’t get it twisted.
Lawd, lawd, lawd, all-a-yawl. Facebook “backtrackers” are reconnecting with folks long gone and forgotten. Why, and what for? It’s such a waste of M&Ms. That’s time and attention you could be lovin’ the one your with. But nooo, yawl wanna be sucked into the Internet. Before y’all start emailing me, I’m talking to the grown and married folks. The ones like you, who’ve been together forever. You see the good, the bad and the ugly on the regular.
My answer is no, don’t go back and open that door, as tempting as it may be. If you’re not happy in your marriage, this move won’t make it any better. Set your mind right – on your husband – and fix what needs fixin. Reinvent and initiate new ways to keep your home fires burning.
Everything always looks brighter on the other side. That’s ‘cause folks don’t hang dirty laundry out to dry. Well, unless you’re on a reality TV show, but that’s a whole nother story.
If you’re having one of those moments and you just can’t stand to sit across the table from your husband, here’s what I’d suggest. Get away on a girls retreat or visit some neighbors in your old neighborhood. Stop by (without your H.S. boyfriend) and catch up with some folks who knew you when.
Don’t jeopardize the trust and love you’ve devoted to your husband. There’s a reason why you no longer poof and spray your bangs while touching up your pink glitter lip gloss. You’ve moved past your sweatband, headband and footies with the balls on the back — all your girlish ways.
Stop looking in your rearview mirror and end that online chat. Go give your husband a foot massage. When he asks what’s the special occasion, tell him, “No reason. It’s just because.”
Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.