Alma Gill
Alma Gill

By Alma Gill
NNPA Columnist

To Marry to not to Marry

Dear Alma,

A friend of mine is engaged to her fiancé of 4 years, she recently found out that her fiancé has a child that he never told her about or talked about. This happened before they got together. He said he didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want to hurt her or didn’t want it to ruin what they have, he has had no contact with the child or mother since it happened but now it has come out because he has to pay child support, apparently the mother didn’t want him involved in the child’s life. She is feeling like she can’t trust him anymore or even go forward with dealing with the situation, he has stressed how sorry he is and he couldn’t find a way to tell her. Should she move forward with him or just move on and let it go?

Hmmm that was a stretch, even for the Rubber Band Man. I wonder how quick he was able to come up with that on, not long I’d surmise. His answer sounds overwhelmingly familiar. You know how we do when trying to offer up an empty resolution. We answer a question with a question. It’s one of the oldest tricks in the book. And you, oh wait, your friend, is sitting there ready to receive it. God bless you Honey. Personally, I’d end it. But I’m not you, or your friend and if she really wanted to leave, she’d already be gone. When a person is ready to bounce from a relationship, they don’t tell a soul, except the confidant who’s helping them break away. When one decides to go, there is no turning back. Your mind’s set and your bed’s made ~ there’s no room for discussion. In-Tay-Who, back to your package, lets open it up.

You’ve worn these shoes before and where did they lead you? Right back to the intersection of Lied2me Again & Heartbreak Blvd. TBT, you’re not lost, this is a familiar place. Hold on, don’t think I’m just picking on you. We’ve all occupied space here at one time or another. Your man, ah, this kind of man will always bring his shortcomings and gift them to you. You know why? Cause you’ll rewrap that bad boy into the fantasy you want it to be. Now with that said, let’s take a left, leaning towards a positive possibility and see what we can discover.

You, oh yea, your friend is obviously one of those women who deliver that “ride or die” kinda love. Stop right here, I’d like to offer an alternative, how about we celebrate the “ride and live” kinda love – for yourself. That’s the type of love that requires him to bring his truth and lay it all on the table. How about you insist that he disclose everything to you and tell you why he walked away. Be it unemployment or immaturity, you deserve to know. After he takes full responsibility, the two of you can start to work on this together, along with all of life’s challenges you’ll face as man and wife. This is huge, make no mistake about it. The chains of deception are broken and in need of delicate repairs. Seriously speaking, hold him accountable and help him to do right by his child. It’s gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. Stay focused and devote yourself to the commitment of your new family. When it feels like you just can’t take another step, remember “regular” can sometimes just be an option at the gas pump, LOL. Lawd have mercy, that aint nothing but the truth.


Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and Twitter @almaaskalma.


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