By Alma Gill
My Best Friend is Marrying ‘Wicked Witch of the North”
This is a question about my best friend. He and I have been best friends forever and we are just that – friends. I’m a woman and he’s a man, but, never at anytime did we think it would be anything else. So I guess you could say it’s like we’re brother and sister. We have been there through family issues, heartbreaks, lost jobs, college graduations, I mean everything.
Whenever I have a new friend I’m dating, if it starts to get serious, this person has to meet my one and only best friend for approval and vice-versa. About a year ago, he met and fell hard for a co-worker. Initially, she seemed to be OK. When we finally met, at the table she was courteous, very friendly and I was thinking, I like her. But wait, we walked to the bathroom together and she became the wicked witch of the north. She did a complete turn around and was mean to me and told me she knew that I wanted him, but to watch out because that wasn’t gonna happen. I tried to explain we are just friends. She said she knew what we were and that my friend talks about me all the time and he has made it clear we were to remain the best of friends. She told me she didn’t like me and she didn’t like our friendship but she would do whatever it takes to keep him happy. She turned and walked out the bathroom and once we sat down at the table she became the really, sweet, friendly woman he thinks she is.
Fast forward and now they are getting married. Of course, he wants me to be in the wedding. He asked me to be his best woman and he also wants me to do things with her while they make all the wedding plans. Things did not get better with us over time and I still don’t like her at all. I was just going along with it because I love him and I tried to suck it up for the past year, but now that they are getting married, I just can’t do it. I cannot participate in this. My mother says I have to be there for him and not make it about me. Help Alma! I just can’t. How do I break it to him without losing my friend?
Ain’t nothing like ordering a Famous Dave’s praline sauced bread pudding, a la mode and a diet soda. Two selections that have absolutely nothing to do with each other, but they sure do taste good together. Ummhmm, that just made me hungry. You don’t mind if I eat while we’re talking do you? Sometimes I eat when I’m sad, and your question sure did make me blue. I couldn’t help but think about the friendship that you and he shared, how special it is and how it’s about the end. I’m a firm believer that a man and a woman can be just friends, but not everyone will agree. Ask my friend, Richard. I love him and he means the world to me, but he’s not my husband, he’s my dear, dear friend. We don’t hide or sneak around to see each other when meeting for a meal. We knew each other before I married and we were able and approved to continue our individual relationship, because my husband trusted what we shared. Partways, I’m sure is because my husband has Gail, one of his best and dear, dear friends. When I met Gail, early on in our relationship, I thought she was awesome, too. What I also thought was, if they haven’t hooked up and made it work by now, it ain’t ever gonna happen. So I made my peace. Men and women are smart enough to know when friendships are ready or capable to moving to the next level. That’s not the case for the two of you and it’s sad his new wife can’t or is choosing not to understand it.
I gotta say though, I agree with your mom. You should suck it up and stand by your best friend. You don’t have to accompany Glozilla on her whirlwind of wedding trudges, but you do have to show up and take your rightful place at the wedding. Once they’ve married, she may no longer see you as a threat and that should change things for the better. TBT, it’s time for you to prepare yourself to move over. You need to make room for her in his full life. Things don’t have to change but they should become different. Richard and Gail are very supportive of our marriage and both are always equally inclusive with everything they plan, say or do. You have to adjust to the new rules of friendship, engagement and marriage. As he becomes one of your dearest friends, but no longer your only best friend, because he has a new BFF in the soulmate that he’s marrying.
Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.