Austin R. Cooper Jr.Op-EdOpinion

COOPER: Someone Leaked My Call With the President

Operator: White House. How may I direct your call?

Austin Cooper: Legislative affairs please.

Operator: Making America great again by transferring you.

Donald Trump: This is the 45th president.

AC: I’m sorry. I asked to be transferred to legislative affairs.

DT: I handle communications, legal and legislative affairs for the president, which would be me. Sometimes people call me Prime Minister Trump.

AC: Sorry, I know you’re busy, Mr. President.

DT: I’m not busy, promise.

AC: How come? You’re the president.

DT: Well I am kind of busy looking at inauguration photos. It was the most beautiful day in the world.

AC: Why are you doing that?

DT: Were you one of three billion cheering Americans and Russians present? What’s your name?

AC: Sir, my name is Austin Cooper and no, I was not.

DT: I’m not surprised you were not there because there would have been no room for you on the Mall.

AC: President Trump, please stop looking at those photos.

DT: But what about Obama?

AC: What about him?

DT: Obama keeps saying that his crowd sizes were larger at his inaugurations than mine.

AC: Your predecessor has not publicly expressed an opinion on this matter.

DT: Did you see Comey, JFK and Prince when you were standing out there?

AC: I wasn’t present.

DT: You didn’t come because you did not to go to the Wharton School of Business, huh?

AC: Mr. President, I did my graduate work at Columbia University.

DT: Hillary went there, didn’t she?

AC: No, but President Obama did.

DT: Have you ever seen Obama’s grades?

AC: No sir. Nor has he ever seen mine.

DT: Do you golf?

AC: I’m learning the game.

DT: Obama golfed way more than I do?

AC: You are about to surpass him just seven months into your presidency.

DT: Did Obama release his taxes?

AC: He did.

DT: He was weak.

AC: It was a prerequisite for all presidential candidates, until you came along.

DT: Should I release mine?

AC: Well, it would certainly address some concerns regarding your business dealings.

DT: How about I get the IRS to release Reince’s taxes? Or Mueller’s?

AC: Reince Priebus is not running for office. And I would not mess with Bob Mueller. Besides, it’s illegal to ask the IRS to release someone’s taxes.

DT: Mueller is weak. Do you think Vladimir Putin likes me?

AC: Wow, Mr. President, only you can answer that question. But you do seem in awe and afraid of him. Does he have anything on you?

DT: He has lots of stuff on Jared, Ivanka and Frederick Douglass, but nothing on me.

AC: Why’d you fire Comey?

DT: I fired Hillary.

AC: You defeated Hillary at the polls. You fired Comey.

DT: Lester Holt fired him.

AC: No, Mr. President, you were interviewed by Lester the day after you fired Director Comey and admitted that you did so to end any investigation of Russian influencing our election.

DT: I beat Hillary, didn’t I?

AC: She won the popular vote, but you got more electoral votes. So you won.

DT: So who is the president?

AC: You are sir.

DT: Did Billy Bush vote for me?

AC: I doubt it.

DT: Would you like a piece of chocolate cake?

AC: I am not in the White House, so that is not an option. But thanks. Do you even like being president?

DT: Air Force One is a real dump, but I love that cool song they play whenever I walk into the room. Do they do that for you?

AC: No sir. I am not the president.

DT: Are you a Boy Scout?

AC: Mr. President, no. I am almost 55 years old.

DT: Being a Boy Scout is gonna help me make America great again, bigly.

AC: Did you just say that you’re a Boy Scout?

DT: The president of the Boy Scouts administered the oath to me when I recently addressed them.

AC: Wow. Somehow I missed that.

DT: You were probably watching fake news CNN. FOX covered my swearing-in live.

AC: You’re serious, aren’t you?

DT: Damn right. Do you know the Mooch?

AC: I had never even heard of him until he joined your administration for 10 days.

DT: Yeah, he and Michelle Obama used to date. Barack broke them up.

AC: Sir, where do you get this stuff?

DT: Duh, from the Bible. And I went to Wharton and became a Boy Scout.

AC: Have a great day, Mr. President.

Cooper is president of Cooper Strategic Affairs, Inc.

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